I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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