I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
