Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
