I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
