He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
