now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
babies were throwing up all over the place
Too much gin, very little bucket
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
