So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
