but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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