im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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