I puked a lego.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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