a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
