Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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