I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
