TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
