yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
