Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
