im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
