your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the liver wants what the liver wants
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
