omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
