Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
