my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
