he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
