I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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