I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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