so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
