I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
