meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
