I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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