I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
