they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
