today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
