theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
thus making me awesome and them whores
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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