You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
