who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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