I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
