There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
this hospital has no fireball
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
