I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
