she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
