Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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