yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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