Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
