he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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