I cannot find my penis.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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