im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
