my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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