dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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