Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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