I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He passed out mid-signature
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
