I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
