Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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