He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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