Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
