Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
